Thursday, December 21, 2006

Vietnamese Cashews

So I pick up my parents up from the airport after their infamous trip to Vietnam. I am waiting there in the car and my mom calls and says they're in Customs and they will be right out.
Thirty minutes later I call to see why they haven't made it out. My dad answers and tells me, "We are going to be in here awhile because your mother told Customs she has food." Dad comes out and is pissed off. He gets in the car and tells me he wants to go home RIGHT NOW. I ask Mom what the deal was with Customs and what kind of food did she bring home. She told Customs that she had a bag of cashews. So they decided that they were going to go through my parents entire luggage.
My parents took 4 suitcases full of clothes with them and gave away everything in them over the course of 2 weeks. So, naturally, Customs asks them why they went on a 2 week vacation and they have empty suitcases (and a bag of cashews). I ask Mom why she didn't throw away the cashews because I'm thinking she bought some kind of snack bag at the airport. She shrugs and says that she was just being honest.
So the next thing I know, I walk into the kitchen after they unpack and they have 20 pounds of cashews on the kitchen table. Holy mackarel! No wonder Customs was all weird. My parents have 4 empty suitcases, only the clothes on their backs, and a crapload of cashews. I explained to my mother that we have cashews in America. I even ate the damn things to see if they tasted different. They were the SAME. My mom just shrugs again and tells me, "I like cashews....and Jackie's mom wanted me to bring her back some."
Who the hell asks someone on their way to Vietnam- Hey, bring me back some cashews!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Why Vodka is the Devil

Vodka and I are fair weather friends. He can be a sneaky bastard. I swore off of it years ago when I drank half a bottle with OJ in college. I believed Vodka was truly evil when I had to clean up the bathroom after a night with Vodka and some friends from England that came to visit me. The second time Vodka and I met was 4 years ago. A friend of mine came back from Afghanistan and his wife threw him a party. I remember him having a full beard and he lost 30 pounds- and he was a super slim guy to begin with. All they had was Vodka and Coke and beer. I wasn't a beer drinker then (I learned- no worries), so I had Vodka and Coke for the evening. I had to be carried out of the house. Woke up thinking I was going to die. Since then I decided Vodka was evil and that I would never ever hang out with Vodka or his pals ever again.

Well, never say never. We met up when I broke up with a boyfriend. I was devastated so my friends invited me to a club where they were meeting some pro soccer players. What better way to spend an evening – then with some soccer guys that happened to be British, eh? Well, Vodka showed up with 6 Cranberry drinks. I think I spilled Cranberry vodkas on every single person on the soccer team, including myself. Not pretty. Neither was the fight I almost got into. Neither was the $200.00 liquor bill. Ouch. Neither was the death hangover the next morning or the downward spiral depression that afternoon.

Then there's the 8 minute dating fiasco. Again with the Vodka convincing me that talking like a pirate was the thing to do. Then came Halloween night. My girlfriend picks up a stalker and I lose a couple of IQ points and I forget my name. (Although, I'd rather forget my name than pick up a stalker.)

So, what I need to do is some of the following:

Quit drinking.
Quit drinking with Vodka.
Find a new drink.
Start buying $1 crack.