Why Vodka is the Devil

Vodka and I are fair weather friends. He can be a sneaky bastard. I swore off of it years ago when I drank half a bottle with OJ in college. I believed Vodka was truly evil when I had to clean up the bathroom after a night with Vodka and some friends from England that came to visit me. The second time Vodka and I met was 4 years ago. A friend of mine came back from Afghanistan and his wife threw him a party. I remember him having a full beard and he lost 30 pounds- and he was a super slim guy to begin with. All they had was Vodka and Coke and beer. I wasn't a beer drinker then (I learned- no worries), so I had Vodka and Coke for the evening. I had to be carried out of the house. Woke up thinking I was going to die. Since then I decided Vodka was evil and that I would never ever hang out with Vodka or his pals ever again.

Well, never say never. We met up when I broke up with a boyfriend. I was devastated so my friends invited me to a club where they were meeting some pro soccer players. What better way to spend an evening – then with some soccer guys that happened to be British, eh? Well, Vodka showed up with 6 Cranberry drinks. I think I spilled Cranberry vodkas on every single person on the soccer team, including myself. Not pretty. Neither was the fight I almost got into. Neither was the $200.00 liquor bill. Ouch. Neither was the death hangover the next morning or the downward spiral depression that afternoon.

Then there's the 8 minute dating fiasco. Again with the Vodka convincing me that talking like a pirate was the thing to do. Then came Halloween night. My girlfriend picks up a stalker and I lose a couple of IQ points and I forget my name. (Although, I'd rather forget my name than pick up a stalker.)

So, what I need to do is some of the following:

Quit drinking.
Quit drinking with Vodka.
Find a new drink.
Start buying $1 crack.